He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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