my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
