im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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