I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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