My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Will you blow on my dice?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
