I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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