There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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