I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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