I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
this hospital has no fireball
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
