this beer tastes like vomit already
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
