And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize