i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
