I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
