don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
