i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
