just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
