My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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