It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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