you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
