I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
