the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Randomize