I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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