On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
