I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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