Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
