someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
