my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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