The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
