He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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