The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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