He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
