People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
