How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
