Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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