it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
