you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You need a sexual gate keeper
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
