ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
