i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
