God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
