the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You are the jesus of drinking
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
