So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
