the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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