I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
