Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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