There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
