Old men and throwing up are my life now.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
