i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
