I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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