I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
