We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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