The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Randomize
