But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
