I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
