I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
