dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
