If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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