He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
