drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize