The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
