she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
What drink are we having for lunch?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
