it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
